Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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