im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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