Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
