My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
