So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
