Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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