I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
