Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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