He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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