There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
