apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
