I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
