My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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