i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
