She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
