I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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