I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
