I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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