Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
