Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That accounts for only three of the penises
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
