If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
