The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
