Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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