Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
