I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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