On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
