oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
