I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize