Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Pooping to opera.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
