Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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