I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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