Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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