words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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