Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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