I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
