Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
