Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
