the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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