3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
