Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
