Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
