I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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