Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
