Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
