I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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