Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
