I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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