im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He? As in you personified your dick?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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