woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
