I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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