I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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