I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
