I smell stomach acid.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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