Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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