im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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