so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
