What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
