You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Text me some of your sweat
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
