Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
