i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
