The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
