I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
