had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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